Friday, February 27, 2009
Post No. 91a: The Logistician's Second Favorite "Short Story"
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's your order?"
"I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender simply can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
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The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
The Logistician refers to this type of joke as a “church joke,” namely one which can be told in church, or to grade school children. Knowing this, his friend Gail in Milwaukee regularly feeds him this Pablum. Now it’s your turn. Share with us your latest “short story” or “church joke.”
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I don't have a favorite story (clean or dirty), is that weird?
ReplyDeleteHey -am I at the right blog? What’s all this ostrich and chicks with long legs stuff? You’re too funny and full of surprises Common Sense Institute.
ReplyDeleteI have a church joke for you that’s really corny:
Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute and the other isn’t. Do you know how you tell which is which?
Answer- The prostitute has a sticker that says. “I da ho.”
Vikki
Yes Douglas that's weird considering I read your blog. I know you have one! Put it down Mister!
ReplyDeleteVikki, considering the fact that so few people shared their juvenile jokes with us the last time around, you get the Commentator of the Month Award for March. We're big fans.
ReplyDeleteYeah Douglas, we're with Vikki, it is weird. In fact, unless you come up with one (from whatever source and with whatever assistance you may need), you will be forever barred from participating in discussions on this blog. We've just decided that it is the "price of admission." This is a give and take blog young man.
Ok, I am no young man but I do have an old one I recall from when I was a child... back in the Stone Age...
ReplyDeleteA man was camping with his son deep in the woods, high up in the mountains. The boy is walking around the woods and finds this little furry creature. The creature is friendly and the boy takes him back to camp. He asks his father if he can keep him and, after the usual lecture about who will take care of the creature, gets his permission. On the way out of the woods, they stop by the ranger station and ask if anyone knows just what the creature is.
"Well," the ranger says, "It's called a Rarry and you don't see many, they're shy."
The ranger tells them the Rarry will eat most anything and isn't dangerous.
Well, the boy is happy with his new pet and feeds it leftovers from the table (and the broccoli and asparagus he doesn't like). The Rarry gets bigger and bigger until he's eating them out of house and home. He's still not dangerous but he is huge. The boy and his father decide to take the Rarry back to the woods and set him free. And so they do.
But a couple of weeks later, the Rarry turns up at their door hingry from his long journey. So, they blindfold the Rarry and take it way back into the mountains, all the way to the other side, driving in circles and walking in a zigzag pattern deep into the woods, and leave it there. They rush home figuring it'll never find its way back. But, sure enough, a few weeks later, there it is at the back door begging to come in and be fed.
The father decides he's going to deal wit this Rarry once and for all so he puts the animal in the car and drives all the way to the Grand Canyon. When he gets there, he walks the Rarry to the edge, walks around behind it and pushes it over the edge.
As he watches it fall down into the canyon, a ranger walks up and says...
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"That's a long, long way to tip a Rarry"
Hmmm Douglas: a town in Scotland, and a song used by the British as a march in World War I. No fair. Those less sophisticated ones of us had to look that one up. You owe us another one which will immediately generate a laugh.
ReplyDeleteIsn't interesting that when I was 6 or 7, I got that joke? That would have been in 1952 or 53. The only funny jokes I know cannot be told at church functions. But if you want immediate laughs, try Emo Phillips.
ReplyDeleteEmo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"
Now that one we get Douglas. Elmo. Sounds like Otis on the Andy Griffith Show.
ReplyDeleteIf you have never seen Emo on stage, you should. You will forget any possible similarity with Otis immediately. He is, shall we say, unique?
ReplyDeleteLogistician,
ReplyDeleteNot exactly a “church joke”, but I love this one. I have attempted to edit the one potentially “offensive” word contained herein. Please delete as you see fit.
PEGGY SUE’S BIG DATE
A typical early-sixties teenaged boy walks up to a typical early-sixties tract house; he rings the doorbell and is greeted by a typical early-sixties dad.
“Hello, son. You must be the here to take my daughter Peggy Sue out on a date. Come on inside.” When they are seated in the living room, the father says “Peggy Sue will be down in a few minutes. In the meanwhile, please tell me what you plan to do on your date.”
“Well, sir, I thought that I would first take Peggy Sue to the malt shop for a shake, then maybe to a movie.”
“Don’t waste your time, son. I can tell you what Peggy Sue likes to do: she likes to sc**w. That’s all she talks about day and night. Why if she had her way, she would stay out all night and do nothing but sc**w!”
At that moment, Peggy Sue enters the living room and asks of the young man, “Ready to go?” Of course, he is more than ready. As they leave, the father calls after the boy, “Now remember what I told you, son!”
Twenty minutes later, Peggy Sue is back -- and is she a sight. Her hair is pulled down, her lipstick is smeared and her dress is torn. Just before she runs upstairs to her room to cry her eyes out, she looks at her father and wails . . .
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“The TWIST, Dad – it’s called the TWIST!”
Now that one we get Douglas. Elmo. Sounds like Otis on the Andy Griffith Show.
ReplyDeleteIf you have never seen Emo on stage, you should. You will forget any possible similarity with Otis immediately. He is, shall we say, unique?
ReplyDelete