Thursday, August 28, 2008

Post No. 37a: Addendum to "Why Men Cheat"

Many of you interpreted our analysis in “Why Men Cheat,” to suggest that a man can simply blame his behavior on biology. That is far, far, far from what we hoped to accomplish. The goal of our blog is to encourage personal responsibility by encouraging people to take 100% responsibility for all of their actions. To the extent that we poorly communicated our message, please accept our apologies. We realized that it was lengthy; however, we also consider infidelity to be a complex issues with many components.

Our point is simply this. Cheating is not as simple as someone saying, “I want to be selfish and cheat.” All decisions and everything processed through the brain is electrochemical in nature and there biological. However, there are lots of events that occur prior to the actual cheating event. Our goal was to identify and discuss those earlier events, and help folk recognize them, so that decisions and actions to avoid infidelity could take place at an earlier stage in the process, before the strong biological urge is at its peak. Our basic point is that all people, regardless of their sex, should take responsibility, at Stage 1, before finding themselves in a compromising situation at Stage 10.

Additionally, we were trying to develop a new construct by which couples might have conversations about things in the Universe far more important than sex, which we consider to be of very little significance in the grand scheme of our potential positive influence on the planet. There is no real reason to have sex at all, if people choose not to do so. If there is no biological component to the choice to have sex, then all of us can simply stop doing so. However, once we choose to do so, or are biologically driven to do so, depending on your view, there are potential negative and positive consequences. We were simply trying to reduce the negative ones by encouraging a dialogue before any sex occurs. Additionally, society makes no progress by simply doing the same thing, the same way, over and over.

To simply label the conduct as “selfish” does not advance any societal interests, if our conduct and the response thereto simply continue. How about having couples focus their energy and efforts on something beyond themselves and beyond their personal, selfish needs, so that the time spent on the sex issue is reduced, and the time spent on advancing larger more significant interests, like finding a cure for cancer, reducing violence, inventing a process for the inexpensive purification of water, etc. are increased. We apologize for so poorly stating our goal. How about one of you coming up with a suggestion or construct for reducing the incidence of marital infidelity other than simply calling it “selfishness.” Even assuming that it is simply “selfishness,” how do we reduce that, whatever it’s source. So many out there obviously think that there is no biological component. Contribute something affirmatively positive to this discussion, other than simply attack a suggested approach.


  1. Well, I will tell you this: You�re not going to be getting many dates with that �tude!�

    Just joking, of course. Well-written blog and I�m sorry to here about the furry with this entry. You simply ask that people look at the big picture and the psychological /biological factors that relate to our choices.

    It�s a difficult thing to be in a relationship, but when equipped with the knowledge of who we are- our marriages would probably stand a better chance of survival. Food for thought.

  2. Thanks for not joining the ranks of the discussion group "offendees." There was enough blood on the field of battle. Consistent with our philosophy of taking 100% responsibility for ALL that happens to us, we must take responsibility for a poorly written and far too lengthy piece. We obviously failed to effectively deliver the message. On the other hand, you couched it in very effective terms in one sentence: "You simply ask that people look at the big picture and the psychological /biological factors that relate to our choices." Perhaps that should have been our introductory sentence. Lacking in creativity and unimaginatively yours,

    Mr. Matter of Fact

    Mr. Matter of Fact... (smile)


  3. Earlier today, on CSpan2 Book TV, there was a book discussion on Men: Notes from an Ongoing Investigation. Professor Laura Kipnis talked about her book of essays on men and the influence they have in society.  She spoke with Kathleen Massara, former Arts and Culture editor at the Huffington Post. During the discussion, she discusses professional golfer Tiger Woods and his infidelity to his wife, and some of the interpersonal dynamics at play.


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