Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Post No. 160a: Why God Created West Virginia
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled broadly and proudly pointed downward through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test the concepts of Balance and Common Sense."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will, for a period of time, be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while that one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an area of land not previously mentioned by God and asked, "What's that one?"
"That's West Virginia," said God, "the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from West Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, and while pointing downward said, "Right next to West Virginia is Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I intend to put there."
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That would be funny if it weren't so blatantly contrary to the fact that WVa is home to some of the most backwards, uninteresting morons ever to walk the face of the earth, expecially the mouth-breathers in Nitro, WVa.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous # 1, that's what makes it doubly funny.
ReplyDeleteAlthough i am not violent Anon1, you make WVa appealing to me. If you come back perhaps you will tell me if a UK pensioner could live contentedly there. What do you say IC?
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the story IC - more than you can guess. More please.
First, let me ask a question: How can God (who, it is said, is "everywhere") be "missing?" Just something to mull over.
ReplyDeleteHaving lived close to each of those places, D.C. and W.Va., I truly appreciated the joke. Even though I wondered about the northern vs southern Europe bit. It started out just the opposite, didn't it, as civilization developed that is?
And CorfuBob, you might enjoy W.Va. It is a beautiful place of green mountains and gorgeous valleys. The people are friendly (in spite of the "anonymous" comments) and the cost of living is comparatively low. Sadly, it is far from the sea and you might miss that. It has seasons, though, lots of snow and cold in the winter but summers are pretty nice.
I lived in the mountains of Epirus (Google Konitsa) for 9 years, and would not miss the sea if there was a river nearby. Would my cats need visas?
ReplyDeleteIt's perhaps not North and South that determines affluence, but cold and heat. You cannot be poor in a cold climate and live tolerably. What are mouth-breathers?
Corfubob, there are a number of rivers (great rafting, I am told) and lakes. Very beautiful country. No visas for cats but maybe a period of quarantine (if you are serious) and a good shot record.
ReplyDelete"Mouth-breathers" is a derogatory term for the, shall we say, less intelligent and/or less educated. Also called "rednecks" or "hillbillies". Or, if you like them... the "salt of the earth" types.
I googled Konitsa and perused the images. Yes, you'd like West Virginia if you liked Konitsa. At least, the climate and the terrain.
Thanks for the info Douglas. I would be very serious if a move was affordable. However, knowledge of the local language could get me into trouble - whereas her my Greek is not good enough to give people offence, even though i try!
ReplyDeleteDouglas, God knows where He was.
ReplyDeleteSigh. :)
ReplyDeleteDo not be mislead Corfubob. WVa is not for you.
ReplyDeleteCorfu Bob: No one else but Douglas has had anything to say positive about West Virginia, and his comments have highlighted its natural beauty.
ReplyDeleteThat's because it encompasses much of Appalachia, which is a very economically distressed and provincial region of the United States. If the word "Balkanized" means anything to you, it is somewhat applicable to this state. It is also an educationally challenged state.
Anon - your informed comment only served to make me more curious. 'Balcanised'? Is that made hard? (like for rubber tyres)
ReplyDeleteSome great music was inspired by Appalachia.
Corfubob, Appalachia is not just in West Virgina. It is part of several states. I wouldn't call any of it "Balkanized" (a term referring to the Balken region of Europe) but there are clan feuds that have gone on for decades if not centuries. Peopled by immigrants mostly from Scotland, the clannish culture was brought with them.
ReplyDeleteI did not travel extensively in West Virginia so I know it only from a few towns and people I have met.
And, in spite of the joke, God didn't create it, Abraham Lincoln and the Congress did that in 1863. Before that, it was just part of Virginia.
Douglas and CorfuBob:
ReplyDeleteAccording to one of our dictionaries, balkanized (with a small "b") means "to divide (a region or territory) into small, often hostile units.
That division is sometimes created by natural forces, namely mountains, which make it difficult for people to exit or enter a geographical area. As a result, they have have a tendency to be rather clanish, and distrust outsiders.
Anon - your informed comment only served to make me more curious. 'Balcanised'? Is that made hard? (like for rubber tyres)
ReplyDeleteSome great music was inspired by Appalachia.
Sigh. :)
ReplyDeleteI lived in the mountains of Epirus (Google Konitsa) for 9 years, and would not miss the sea if there was a river nearby. Would my cats need visas?
ReplyDeleteIt's perhaps not North and South that determines affluence, but cold and heat. You cannot be poor in a cold climate and live tolerably. What are mouth-breathers?
Anonymous # 1, that's what makes it doubly funny.
ReplyDelete